Thinking you are special is keeping you stuck
How an old mantra kickstarted massive change
There are a lot of things that I have had to confront as an entrepreneur that have been uncomfortable
Resistance to doing admin
Realising being an entrepreneur is more work, not less, than being an employee
Fear of looking stupid
Anxiety that I made a mistake in a training
Not knowing how to do things
Doing a lot of this work alone.
All of these I expected. Some of them might be chalked up to fear of success, or fear of failure depending on perspective. There is one however, that has lurked like a hidden abscess behind all the others, poisoning my will to do hard things.
I tried to identify what this feeling, or barrier, is.
The easiest would have been to chalk it up to having Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This reason was like a midnight swim on a hot summer night. Seductive. “It’s not my fault I can’t …, I have complex trauma.”
I am not going to deny that for some, maybe even most, CPTSD might be debilitating to their ability to work but this is not my experience.
Work is medicine for me. I might be working slower, and it might take me nine tries instead of two, and it is different work now, but work fills me up. I have a sense of safety and empowerment that my previous role in government had not, and a disability check could not.
Tired of the frustration at a lack of momentum in my goals, I decided to take a deep dive into figuring out what needed to be addressed.
Diagnosing the Root Cause
After too many sessions with my therapist, multiple coffees with friends, and infinite journal entries I collected a list of potential candidates, most of which I put into 4 broad categories:
Imposter Syndrome is the one that most people knowingly say, as they nod along with my words when I try to describe it. It’s the one I assumed would explain my issues since as a woman, I am told I have imposter syndrome regularly.
But it didn’t feel right. I know I am intelligent and understand how apply what that knowledge, I know that I have some solid skills and get along well with people, I speak up freely in classes and conferences and workshops. Imposter syndrome just didn’t feel like it fit.
To be fair, this showed up sometimes as “No one likes me anyway.” Like somehow that absolved me of accountability. But it wasn’t the poison I was avoiding.
Fear of being seen/Hiding is the one I even have a story for. My grandma was an Irish immigrant who worked as a housekeeper. When she was teaching me to clean, she would always remind me: “keep yer arse to the wall so nae can blame yer wiggle.”
She would also remind me to keep my eyes down. “No one needs to know what you see.” Fear of being seen fit just fine in this story.
But! As anyone who knows me will attest, this is not a concern for me. Nor my gran.
What she had was street smarts about how to keep cleaning houses without ending up with more than you bargained for. Literally and metaphorically.
I also found that I say things like “I’m a better Chief of Staff than I am a Chief Executive.” A sentence that sounds absolutely reasonable and like I’ve done some deep reflection.
Lazy! I am entitled and think someone else should take care of me.
This made me uncomfortable. Do I not want to do this work because I somehow think I am worth someone else taking care of me? Paying my bills?
There are days I think, “Wow, I would love to be independently wealthy” but usually because it is -30C, the snow is a foot deep, and I can’t afford a winter beach vacation.
Or maybe I was avoiding/learning how to do what needed to be done: make the cold calls, send the messages, reach out to others for support.
The system is rigged
I’m a single mum. I have CPTSD. I’m Indigiqueer. I have all the Adverse Childhood Experiences. Things are unfair is absolutely true. It totally sucks.
Naming the truth: that the system is not designed to assist me, or really anyone although it looks like it does from the outside, and talking about it is work. It is work that some people spend their entire lives being paid to do.
Could it be that the poison was external, not internal? Perhaps it wasn’t my abscess I needed to excise to be able to succeed, but rather expose the one at the heart of my problem.
Because of course, I am the one who can solve it. No one else has ever said “The system is rigged, let me tell you how to fix it.”
All of these fit to some extent. Common interpretations of what we may face as humans building careers, companies, families in a culture inclined to quick fixes so these are relatively generalizable across most people.
What’s a girl to do?
I realised that naming what it was, creating a category, didn’t get me to what lies underneath. Sure, it helped me rationalize my struggles and gave me some comfort that I would eventually why myself into success.
I kept looking, taking courses. I’ve hired a wide variety of coaches. Everything from organizing my house, to creating a personal image.
Each of these made a difference. Some taught me what I don’t want, others helped me learn why buying should not be the goal of shopping (totally blew my mind, actually, learning this.)
I loved these things. And also power poses and filing systems were not getting me to the place where the pain, or at least the belief in the pain, lived.
Doubling down on the ‘expert’ suggestions to address “analysis paralysis” or Imposter Syndrome rarely resulted in long term sustained change, although it did move me forward a bit each time.
“Houston, We Have a Problem!”
In recovery the first step is to acknowledge we have a problem. The same logic applies all over life and I defined my business problem two ways, depending on the day:
a. I struggled to advocate for myself
b. I didn’t know how to package my offer.
I went around and around in circles with these specific pain points for three years. They had different names each time, like “I think the market might have shifted” or “Really, I don’t want to be a CEO, but a 2iC.” (second in command)
“Is selling to people really what I want to do? Or do I want to sell to companies?”
“Maybe I should actually focus on mushroom farming, not butterfly collecting.” (How many people get stuck on the niche question?)
Each iteration resulted in more pain, more frustration, more self-doubt. Even though it also could be mistaken for work.
Getting clear on my market share
Identifying my ideal client
Creating policies for on-boarding when I signed a client
Regular coursework and seminars to keep me up to date
As a quick recap, I figured the root cause of this problem was one of the following:
Pretending
Hiding
Lazy
When I felt particularly ignored, “The system is stacked against me.”
I believed that once I figured out how to address the root cause, the problem would be solved, and suddenly:
I would be able to advocate for why I could solve the problem confidently. This would result in offers flooding my email from people begging me to help them, and
Sudden clarity would result in the cleanest, most articulate offer. Also resulting in a flood of emails. Miracle! I have a regular flow of money.
I was looking for an answer that would finally get me to the done state. There would be no more barriers or obstacles. Find the groove and then it’s like brushing my teeth: a no-brainer.
Except I forgot I still need a reminder to floss everyday.
The Uncomfortable Reality I was Avoiding
It doesn’t matter if it’s because I am lazy, am spending too much time on defining my market share, or the system is stacked against me, the outcome is the same.
I could spend the next five years trying to solve imposter syndrome. Or unpack why I am hiding, what it is that makes me lazy.
And yes, the system is stacked against me. But not just me. So while I face more barriers than some people, I face less than others.
And also …
None of these do anything to get me closer to building the business and life I want to build or achieve the goal I set for myself back in university: making work better for everyone.
Maybe having an explanation will make failure more comfortable. Comfortable failure seems like pretty sore consolation when I am living out of a box and cooking on my coleman stove.
I needed to accept that maybe sometimes I don’t believe in myself, or I am lazy. Also maybe I do like to hide and would rather have someone else be the spokesperson. Acknowledging these does not
Gift me a full-time audience
Sell my product.
Also, absolutely, life is unfair, and the system is rigged.
That sucks.
And? So what?
We all know the system is rigged. We still pay rent and buy food and a night out occasionally. Since the system is rigged, that falls into “I don’t know how to package my offer” (to sell in this market).
Naming the system is rigged can inform how I run my business, or where I shop with the money I make, and that’s awesome. But it’s not a revolutionary thought
I did not want to hear it, but the truth is if I want to make money, I must sell in the market that exists, not the one I wish existed.
That requires me to do things I don’t want to do.
(Also, no one is going to seek me out in my corner bedroom office and ask if they do my marketing. For free. The work falls on me.)
Ghosts of Workplaces Past
It was a chance passing in the airport that pointed me in the right direction. I was speaking at a conference, one of my hero’s was a keynote speaker and this was a dream come true.
My kids were travelling with me. We were passed a former government colleague who had recently been promoted to a position that I aspired to when I joined the civil service. I was really bitter. My kids could tell when I mentioned the person’s job.
Suddenly on repeat in my head:
“Why them, and not me?”
“What did they have that I didn’t?”
“I should have stayed.”
Until my kids interrupted with this delightful quip “Why do you care? You hated working for government at the end.”
I was shocked. I was busy creating an imaginary easier future because I knew I could navigate the ecosystem. Not because it addressed any of the questions I was wrestling with.
I’d left that ecosystem because navigating it was making me miserable. My kids were right. The appeal was in the perceived safety from the pain I was experiencing now.
The roadblocks I faced in my business are ones also regularly presented as the reason people struggle to be recognized at work, or fail to get a promotion, or maybe are passed over for assignments. These weren’t going anywhere.
Back in government I would still need to advocate for myself, and I would still need to ‘package my offer.’ We just called them one-on-ones and briefing notes. The system would also still be rigged against me because governments prefer people who have no opinions.
This moment made me realize that the problems I thought existed in my business, the roadblocks I thought I needed to remove to make progress, were the same as the ones I had overcome to leave government.
The ones I had overcome to move to England and publish an article and advocate for my kids. The skills were transferrable because I had misdiagnosed the problem.
What I Had Missed All Along
It wasn’t missed actually, more misunderstood. And I suspect it’s not just a me thing, either, but a cultural expectation:
I thought I was special.
And sure, we are all unique individuals experiencing the world for the first time. We have gifts and passions; and -ish that needs to get sorted.
There are deep thoughts and secret dreams flitting across everyone’s mind. Or the anxiety of getting caught. For what? We don’t know, just a gnawing in the pit of our stomachs that we’ll get found out, be discovered. We’ll be naked on stage.
And because I thought I was special, I thought it meant I deserved what I dreamed of. Especially because it’s such a good dream, one of prosperity in a sustainable healthy future.
Truth? From my favourite spiritual leader, Mother Meera
Everyone here thinks he or she is special—but to be truly special you have to know you are nothing.
Not very poetic. It’s kind of lumpy actually. And what exactly is inspiring about knowing you are nothing? How is this the truth that got me going and actually did result in a change in my inbox and bank account situation?
I spent a lot of time wishing life were more fair, wondering how come things are so hard. If I have a great dream and it would benefit other people, I thought it should somehow be easier.
Isn’t this just dressed-up Negative Self-Talk?
The first time I read the “know you are nothing” phrase I had a strong emotional reaction. What sort of spiritual leader tells us that we are nothing? I immediately started listing all the people who have benefitted from my presence.
The list got longer, and at first the sense of “See, I do matter” felt comforting. Did she think I was a worm? I did important things and people relied on me. The more accomplishments I listed and people I named, the more I felt stuck. The weight of history and obligation made real.
Accepting that I am nothing gave me some clarity.
Road blocks
Imposter syndrome? Lots of people have it and it didn’t stop them, they don’t have a superpower, they just kept going.
Fear of being seen/hiding? Speaking in public is considered an almost universal fear, other people have found a way to be seen.
Lazy? Have you seen a sloth? They still manage to feed themselves.
The system is rigged against me? Yep, for most people.
It doesn’t matter what the roadblock is, when I understand I am not special the answer becomes clear:
Take action
If you don’t know what action to take, ask for help
If the first round of help doesn’t work, find different help
Keep going
This is how problems are solved. It’s not sexy, no fanfare. Just hard work, followed by more hard work. Dressed up with a side of chill, it’s not that serious.
Accepting I am not special, embracing that the game is rigged and I am probably closer to being benched than being in the starting line-up, started to loosen up the constriction I experienced every time I had to
make a hard phone call.
It also encouraged me to recruit a friend to go to networking functions with me where I can practice talking to people in a low-stakes professional environment. Not special doesn’t mean we can’t have fun.
So many of us grow up being told we are special, but that can be a heavy weight. Things matter more, the consequences are bigger and more impactful – in our own heads at least – and that’s where it matters when we have to make decisions.
Final Thoughts
I have no guarantee that the frustration is gone, in fact I suspect it will be back in some other form. I’m a bit more prepared now. I no longer expect smooth sailing and I know the easy path is deceptive.
But reminding me that I am not special also reminds me that no one else is either, and if someone else has done what I want to do, then I can too.
As long as I start, get help, keep going.
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Thanks for this Trish. I can relate.