What writing a business pitch taught me about belonging
Stop trying to fit in
If you believe certain people don’t belong, that means certain parts of you don’t belong. In a culture where standing out just enough to fit in is how you ensure you are able to feed and clothe yourself is a requirement, everyone has to find a way to be the right kind of special.
What if I fail?
What if I succeed?
Our fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure.
Choosing brand over substance, form over function
Imposter syndrome
All of these are ways of trying to name what I’m starting to think is a lack of safety, no real sense of belonging. If you believe failing makes someone less valuable, that means you are only free to grow or change in already accepted ways.
When we realise none of us are special, that we need each other to be free, we are provided a sense of safety and the dignity of risk. It’s a paradox: to be special you have to accept you aren’t special, otherwise you are not safe to be yourself. Only when all of us are safe to fail, make mistakes, be bad at things and still be welcome at the dinner table, are any of us free.
What is the dignity of risk?
Life includes failure. Failure is how we learn: no child ever stood up and walked without a hard landing at least once, the alternative is to crawl indefinitely, knowing you will never fall but also you will never run:
There can be such a thing as human dignity in risk, and there can be a dehumanizing indignity in safety.
Perske, 1974
The right to make choices that may result in injury or failure is the only way to be free to make choices that may result in wild success and transformative, needed change. To fail though, we have to trust there is something to catch us.
The risk of going to university, or moving for a job, or even just deciding to wear a different hairstyle are all possible only if we know we still have a place that we can retreat to and recover.
For many however, risk is not available because their lives are lived on very thin margins. Financial, food, health, employment, housing insecurity reduce the freedom people have to step outside of what’s acceptable if they want to continue to fit in. They do not have a place for recovery because they are not safe. So they do not, cannot, take risks.
The Security Trap
Collective security is meant to enable risk-taking for individuals. Unions are a great example. Employment security, and thus economic stability, is meant to provide the collective ability to take risks to preserve the safety of others, and enhance everyone’s wellbeing.
Unions are often misunderstood to be about worker’s wages and benefits. But at their core they are risk mitigation strategies to support the wellbeing of everyone. When a worker spots unsafe conditions or unethical practices, speaking up shouldn’t mean risking their livelihood.
Unions used to provide that safety net – they were essentially collective insurance for workers to advocate for and protect the goals of broader civil society. In the pursuit of being special however, people decided they didn’t need each other and left unions.
Now collective wellbeing has been lost and instead individual financial stability has become like a big comforter that people wrap around themselves to keep the peace. I know because I used to do it too. I used to think that I could make enough money that one day I would be free and could build my dream then. All I had to do was fit in long enough. The longer I worked to fit in however, the harder it became to find the self-worth to leave.
Learning that promotions and paycheques are often a hindrance to building big dreams has been hard because I wanted to believe that I could have security provided by someone else and also build my dream - but that isn’t how it worked, at least not for me.
Instead, I found myself often confronting leadership that prioritised image and profit over improved outcomes and people. I doubted myself - who was I if my work required me to act in ways that protected bad decisions while sacrificing the people I grew up with? Eventually obedience became too high a price for fitting in and financial security.
Pitching and Personal Growth
Tomorrow night I am pitching my business. Something that has been in the back of my mind for a long time that I often talked about in the context of what we can build. A “What if …?” that felt too huge for me to accomplish. Something that has consumed me for the last 8 months in unexpected ways that are only starting to fit together now.
As I have been prepping my slides and speaking notes, my routine is in the trash. I am sleeping at weird times and eating donair bowls for breakfast. Yesterday I realised I hadn’t left the house since January 2 and the entire 7 seasons of Star Trek: Voyager has played through in the background.
It took me a long time to accept that when I have big things to do, 9-5 doesn’t work for me. That morning routines were great if what I was doing every day was the same but not if I was trying to create something bigger. Now I have non-negotiables: prayer, tea, food, journal.
When being ‘special’ gets in the way
Yesterday as I was working on my “why” for the pitch I realised how specialness gets in the way of taking a risk, how thinking we are special means we never belong and we also tend to avoid doing things that make our hearts race and our breath catch.
If I believe only people who are good at pitching should pitch, that means I lose the opportunity to pitch. I am taking away possibilities that need other skills to be effective simply because I acknowledge that pitching is a growth area for me.
BUT!
I also know that what I have been working on for the last 2 years is important and will work, the research is clear both academically and in the field. My Elder has given me her blessings.
People who have participated in workshops with me, taken training from me, and hired me to work in their communities have given me their time and energy and knowledge which forms the skeleton of my model.
People have trusted me with their dreams and their fears. What I have learned is that so many people have dreams for their kids, their friends and neighbours, and themselves that feel out of reach because people believe they aren’t special enough.
Maybe, like me, they struggle to put their vision into words in front of an audience. Or perhaps getting to work by 8:15am is impossible because they can’t fall asleep until 2:00am. And there is always a part of them that needs to be fixed before they know they’re accepted, they belong.
Accepting what is
I am socially awkward. Money is insufficient as a motivator. I need long periods of reflection and thinking time to do my best work. I make excellent Yorkshire pudding. I can read 250 pages of text a day with summaries and next steps but can’t start work until 10:00am. None of these make me good or bad, they just make me.
So in the process of preparing for a pitch I suspect will be awkward AF, but is also the only way to get my ideas out there in a way that matters to me, I have learned the following things about being special by being the same:
If you believe only certain people can belong, that means you believe only certain parts of you can belong
Shame inhibits growth, acceptance enables it
When you trust yourself you are more free to take risks
Trusting myself is a result of consistently making decisions that support my values, building a sustainable world for everyone through aligned actions
The day I stopped punishing myself to fit in is the day I became free
If you knew you were safe, that someone will still love you - catch you when you fall - what dream would you chase? What wrong would you right?